Separation Anxiety - A real world experience

Imagine taking a scenic drive out of town to a wonderful hotel where you plan to just unwind, relax and thaw out for a couple of days. You are with your sweetheart so you are looking forward to all the (ahem) “play time” that your getaway could tolerate. Oh yes sir, you are going to handle your business alright. You are thinking to yourself “I am a baaaad boy.”

You already rescheduled your business meetings. You inform your clients you are unavailable for the next couple of days. You even manage to squeeze in a couple hours of work in the early morning just so your clients don’t pay the price for your rendezvous. And it is smooth sailing from here.

You get to your destination, check in at the front desk, get up to the room and take in the view. You manage to scrounge up enough pennies to pay for a room with a nice ocean view so you take full advantage by opening the door so you can hear and feel the ocean breeze. Ahhh, the sweet sound of the waves rushing to shore accompanied by the therapeutic and distinctive smell of the ocean.

Paradise. Well if it isn’t, it sure is damn close to being paradise.

You and your honey sit in one of those lounge chairs and you grab a beer and take a sip, snuggle up and whisper in her ear.

No, you don’t say something sexy. Or naughty. Or romantic. Heck, you don’t even say “Honey I love you” or “We are going to have a great time Sweetie”. No, no whispering of sweet nothings here.

What do you say?

“The kids would really love this!”

Seperation Anxiety - Part One

I am acutely aware of the concept of separation anxiety. Usually when I hear that term, I think of some kid, kicking and screaming because he or he does not want her mom to leave him/her at the daycare, babysitter, or at Grandma’s house. It doesn’t matter much if the reason for drop off is to go to work, a business lunch or a dinner with girlfriends. Little Junior does not want Mama to leave him there, wherever “there” is.

As a parent, I imagine the child in question must be going through anguish the entire time that he is at the daycare. I imagine that the child must be crying non-stop until the parent shows up and rescue said child. And often times, the teacher/sitter/Grandma would tell you upon arrival for pickup, “He stopped crying the second you left”. No kidding.

True, our kids are often more resilient that we give them credit for. Or so I am told. But how resilient are the parents? What about our separation anxiety? This separation anxiety thing goes both ways. I must admit I too get separation anxiety when I am away from my kids especially Nicholas and Jodi purely due to their ages. (Okay so I don’t kick and scream and throw a temper tantrum!)

It does not matter why you are away. Whether it is for business or a quick getaway. Whether you stay at the Holiday Day Inn, The Marriott, The Ritz Carlton or The Waldorf Astoria. Whether you get away to the Bahamas, Jamaica, South Beach or Bonita Springs. That separation anxiety kicks in. It kicks in when you get that sinking feeling because of how you much you actually miss the little bambinos – even if you are away only for a couple nights of vacation.

 A few months ago, Nikki and I managed to get away for a few days and the occasion represented the first time we were away overnight away from the kids. We knew for a fact they were in the best of care. But nevertheless, we found ourselves calling constantly to find out how they were doing. It felt like we were calling every hour on the hour. Our chosen caregiver finally told us that we can stop calling as they are fine.

But I did miss them. I thought about who is waking up in the middle of the night, who likes to have a cup of milk before bed, who likes to fall asleep on my chest, who likes me to kiss them right smack on the bridge of their nose, who likes me to flip ‘em upside down and tickle their stomachs, who likes to yell “Horsey” and clamber onto my back (that would be Nicholas for sure!), who likes me to bite their cheeks… well you get the idea. Because, of course, no one understands my kids more than I do. And no one can take better care of them than I can. No matter how good the stand-in is. Or how much you trust the surrogate. Because when it is all said and done, these three are just like three separate heart beats. And you need all three to survive.

Now, I won’t say that being away is harder on me than on the little treasures, but it is difficult nonetheless. I was tempted a couple times to cut the getaway short.

We never did, but I was happy to return home to them and end my separation anxiety issues.

When Daddy Let Me... Cook

Being a Dad, I find that my tastes have evolved over time, whether it pertains to movies, reading material or music among other things. For instance, it is not so much the genre of music anymore but whether or not I can relate to it or find some meaning in the songs I choose to listen to.

I have made a list of songs that I will post in this blog in the future that appeals to me in the role of a father.

One such song that I will mention here at this moment is by Alan Jackson titled Drive. The words can be found here.

Every time I hear this song, my thoughts go racing (pun intended!). Not only do I envision teaching my kids different things at different age groups, but the song speaks volumes to me in that I can remember my father teaching me things as well.

I remember listening to the commentary on the radio of cricket matches as a child in Jamaica. My father is an avid cricket fan and I would ask him questions about the game regarding what I heard and he would patiently answer them (which was no easy feat; try explaining to someone what “forward short leg” means or what it means to be “square of the wicket”. If you really want to confuse the heck out of them, try explaining what a googly is!).

Another favorite memory is of my father cooking and explaining what he was doing each step of the way. For me that was priceless. In the same way in which the song speaks of the young boy being on top of the world, so did I as a young boy cooking an entire meal under my father's watchful eye.

I got the opportunity to play that role recently as Angeline, who loves to cook and enjoys watching various cooking shows, is always asking to make breakfast or cook dinner from recipes she conjures up in her head. So sometimes I would be in the kitchen with her and I felt moved when she asked what I thought or what she should do in different situations. Knowing that she is actually listening to what I was saying to her made for a proud Dad, much like the feeling I imagine my own father felt as he explained the very same things to me years ago. I gave her little tips on preparing the food, pros and cons of using different ingredients and on "plating" (apparently this is a term meaning the presentation of the dish which I learned from watching the cooking shows with her).

And I look forward and hope, as the song mentions, that my kids would reach into their memories when they are adults themselves and pull a warm memory such as the ones I have. Whether it is teaching Nicholas about soccer and watching Manchester United with him; or more time in the kitchen with Angeline – cooking and watching The Food Network; or teaching Jodi how to ride a bike, there is certainly enough opportunity to help create those memories.

I look forward to teaching my precious ones more things throughout the years even though the complexity of things to be taught escalates as the years go by. I believe though that these occasions, which I will call teaching moments, are a monumental part of the parenting process and make for a memorable childhood experience.

Hearing the word "Daddy"

Probably the sweetest word in the English language is "Daddy", well at least to me. This resonated with me about five years ago when I called Angeline, who was in another room. She came flying around the corner and answered "Yes Daddy". The words bounced off the walls throughout the house and send shivers down my spine. To this day it still echoes in my head.

Hearing Jodi say "Daddy" in that soft voice is like a sweet song. Never mind that half the time she is really looking at Nikki when she says it. I still claim it because Daddy in any language is just that - Daddy. I will conveniently ignore the intent!

As far as Nicholas is concerned, I believe most times he says Daddy to verify that I am there. I suppose he finds it comforting to hear me answer "Yes Nicholas". Jodi, upon hearing her brother call out for Daddy follows suit so I then oblige with "Yes Jodi".

I remember coming home one evening and having all three children rush to the door. Angeline being the oldest was ahead of the pack shouting "Daddy's home" with Nicholas not far behind her. Jodi was bringing up the rear but not to be left out. That was a priceless moment that I often relive in my head.

I have to admit though that hearing Daddy is as much reassuring for me as it is for my children when they say it. In some ways I think it is an affirmation of my existence, of my importance to them and my defining moment here in the world.

I often think that it is poetic that one of the first words (or babble) from a baby is Dadda or some variation thereof. I think in my selfish mind that this is an equalising factor for fathers in the world of parenthood. See, mommies get to carry the babies for close to a year and in some cases go through the breast feeding process. The bond, the connection is there between mother and child simply by nature. Us dads are playing catch up and have to manufacture the bond we share with our children.

So we rub mommies tummy during pregnancy and try to burp the baby after mommy breast feeds (or bottle feed the baby in the case of those who do not breast feed) and we tell ourselves that we are bonding. And we are. It is just that we are miles away from the ground that mommies cover by the process of nature and pain.

So when Jodi looks at Nikki and says "Daddy", I make sure to answer.

That's right, I claim it. All along thinking to myself the entire time "Oh yes the sweet sound of the word Daddy!"

IT'S SATURDAY!

Finally, I have decided to start blogging again. I have been thinking about it for a while now to continue on from my prior blog Expectant Daddy. And with a few people encouraging me to resume, here I go again.

Quick update from the last time I blogged: Jodi has been born and at the time of writing she is about 17 months. Nicholas whose birth was blogged about previously is approaching three and Angeline is ten.

I should issue fair warning and say I am not sure how long this blog will go on for. I am also unsure about what form the blog will take except that I will write about parenthood from my perspective. The posts made may have been written weeks or months before you see them on here since I have been writing the entries until I have time to post them on this blog. Also, any comments left will be reviewed before posting.

Now that we have the ground rules all sorted out, hope you enjoy this blog and have fun reading it as much as I have fun writing it.

Oh......... it is finally Saturday!